Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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