I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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