i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The uberlube is also flammable
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
