Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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