someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
