She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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