why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
