I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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