So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
