I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
