One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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