It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
