And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
