You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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