She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
