Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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