You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
