i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
