you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
