I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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