I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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