Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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