He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
my liver is dry heaving
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
