I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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