I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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