2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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