Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
