just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
two words: eviction party
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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