i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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