i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
