my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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