she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
