Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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