Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
