literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
