Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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