I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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