I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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