Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
