How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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