okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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