why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
