Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
