my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
