i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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