i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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