I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
