Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Farmville is her only friend.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
