I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
