I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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