our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
