people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
