theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
