Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
